The Enigma I’ve Been

Denial

A constant blunder on my heart

The things I secretly know to be true

But wish could simply fade away

Fade away it never shall

These thoughts that haunt my mind

No wonder I can’t behave normally

My mind it is tormented

And my actions all clouded

 

I calculate like those I dislike

I fly like those I want grounded

I think like those I wish silenced

And keep quiet like those I want to yell

I fail like those I want to succeed

And succeed where I want others to fail

I complain when I want others to accept

And accept when I should not

I live when I feel I shouldn’t

And despise like I say I can’t

I fear to love with my whole heart

But can’t imagine loving with only pieces

I shatter what I want whole

And scrape together pieces of what can never be

When will I be what I want

Or want what I am

When will I not be an enigma

Or love the enigma I am

I am bright when I want to be dark

And hide in the dark when I need sunshine

I laugh when I want to cry

And cry when I don’t know why

 

Perhaps one day
I shall live free

Free of these problems

Free of the worries

Denial

Regret

The loathing of my previous action

One day I’ll accept all I’ve done

And know that I am truly forgiven

But
How can I ask forgiveness

When I know it was wrong

When all I feel is guilt

To be forgiven by others

Shouldn’t I forgive myself first