Too Much Cheese For Daily Use

I can’t be the only female who loves romantically inclined movies, books, songs, etc. Statistically it isn’t possible because something besides my own poor college kid budget keeps funding more of these things. Not that I’m complaining.

However, one thing I’ve noticed about romantically inclined media is that it gives us women these weird ideas of what guys should be saying to us, and what we should in turn be saying to them. Especially, as previously discussed, I don’t handle compliments very well, and my idea of flirting is to seduce someone with my awkwardness. Most things sound great in a romantic comedy, but when Ryan Reynolds isn’t the one sidling up to give you the line it will either make you a) laugh in his face b) become outrageously embarrassed and want to run away and/or c) you will give him an atrocious label (skeevy, gross, nerdy, etc) and giggle about him with your friends. (I’d like to point out this is a two-way street and could totally happen to any of you ladies!)

I was originally going to make a list of romantic lines that, no matter the circumstances, in real life they would just be over the top too cheesy and make you want to laugh. But then I thought about it, and realized that for every line I found there were some real life circumstances and men who could make them work and not make you throw up in your mouth. Every scenario I created involved a lengthy amount of time knowing and dating a guy with a boisterous personality and sense of humor. So instead I made a list of lines that should not be used by the average Joe on the average day. Basically, until your love life actually reaches magically fictitious these lines should not be used because despite the fact that we’ve always WANTED some of these romantic movie scenes to actually unfold, they never work the way they should.

(The only order they are in is the order I thought of them)

1. “Take hold of my hand, And I’ll do what I can, To make everything right, At least for tonight, If you’ll just take hold of my hand” – Take Hold of My Hand by Dwight Yoakam – This is the song that would make me swoon. The whole thing is great and adorable. This is the one that secretly I’d love a guy to come up and sing the whole thing to me. It sounds great in my head, but I know if a random guy did I’d probably laugh and laugh and laugh and run away.
2.  “I don’t need this menu, no I don’t, I already know just what I want” – Getting You Home by Chris Young- As cute as it might be if you’re in a relationship presented correctly at the correct time, this would get a drink in your face the rest of the time. 
3. “Oh I have got a thousand reasons, For you to come away with me, The more I look the better you seem, And I hope that in your heart you see, Cause I believe that you are all I want, Cause I believe that you and I belong” – You and I by Avalanche City – The whole song is adorable, but if a random guy said some of the early verses to me I’d bust up laughing. It would be a great hilarious proposal, though.
4. “You had me at ‘Hello’” – Jerry Maguire - as heart-felt as it might be, it’s so used now that I would just chuckle and keep moving, I don’t know about the rest of you. 
5. “Love is too weak a word for what I feel — I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I do, don’t you think I do?” — Annie Hall – I haven’t seen this one either, but to me this is the best line because it is spontaneous and awesome and sounds like something my friends Abi will one day shout to someone, however if you are the wrong type of person you will only get laughter at best, at worst they will back away very slowly and talk about soothing drinks. 
6. “Margaret, will you marry me? Because I’d like to date you.” – The Proposal - This is one of those lines that will make you laugh and slightly tear up and cheer all at the same time. But if you had someone wander over and ask you this, you’d reach for the pepper spray before you’d reach for the ring. 
7. “It is strange to think, I haven’t seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you’re gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you.” – A Knight’s Tale - Inside Me swoons every time. Because Inside Me craves someone will send me these messages, however the rest of me has actually received poetry akin to this and it made me uncomfortable (to put it mildly…) 
8. “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” -Dracula – I mean, it sounds great on paper, but not in real life. Don’t believe me? Say it to your dog with a straight face, I dare you.
9. “I saw remarkable things, but the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn’t let go of you.” – The Illusionist – Yup. No way I could say this to someone with a straight face, not to say that I haven’t cheesily written it in a poem that will never see the light of day, or had the thought flitter across my mind, but NEVER would it cross my lips. Kind of like “cross my lips”. Great in writing, but people look at you funny when it’s said out loud. 
10. “You should be kissed, every day, every hour, every minute.” – The Lucky One – I haven’t seen this movie, however the line is well known. It is adorable. Every woman wants a man who thinks this about her. But imagine some random guy wandering up to you on the street to avidly insist that he kiss you every minute of every hour of every day.
11. “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” “As you wish” and “This is true love. You think this happens every day?” from The Princess Bride - If you’re aiming to make me laugh, this will do it, (as will most of them on here) however, if you’re being serious and expect a serious reply, this fictional cheese will not do it. 
12. “I love you. You’re my only reason to stay alive… if that’s what I am.” – One of the God-awful Twilight gross things. -  And that description adequately explains the pure agony that would go through my body if someone said this to me. The worst thing I can hear is that *I* am your reason for living. I’m sorry, but I don’t care how much you love me, you love something more. Probably sunshine. Or laughter. Or life itself. 
13. “I’m very discreet but… I will haunt your dreams.” – 40 Year Old Virigin – This line is fantastic for a laugh, and wasn’t taken seriously in the movie, but I felt it needed to make the list.
14. “Give me the keys and I’ll drive you crazy.” – Huey Lewis and the News – great song, everybody knows it, everybody wants somebody who will just drive them out of their mind, but you’d just laugh if they asked like that. 
15. “Will you say to them when I’m gone, ‘I loved your son for his sturdy arms, We both learned to cradle then live without’” – Each Coming Night by Iron and Wine - I am not a man, but I assume that something (maybe less poetic) has entered a guy’s mind, ‘what would she say to my parents if I died right now’? But that’s not something you can just ask, is it? 
16. “Without you here, honey, I’m a melody, Living in a world that can’t hear sound” – Without You Here by Eric Church – Swoon worthy, the whole song, really, but if it’s not put to lyrics and sang to a general populace it just wouldn’t have the same affect. 
17. “Would you love me? Always trust me? Would you love me if it won’t hurt you at all?” – Would You Love Me by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband – Fantastic question. I’ve had it in the back of my head a few times. But it lives in fiction and song lyrics, not the real world.
18. “You have bewitched my body and soul. I love, I love, I love you..” –Pride and Prejudice – I will admit I’ve never actually seen this movie, however the line is fantastic if you’ve known a man for years. But, again, “You have bewitched my body and soul” is *not* a good pick-up line at a bar!
19. “How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world” and “Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!” – Moulin Rouge – The whole premise of this movie is that love is important and revolutionary and worth fighting for. But you can’t pull an Ewan McGregor and fall in love within the first five minutes and expect singing her these songs to work. That’s FictionLand boys and girls.
20.  “Sometimes the only way to catch an uncatchable woman is to offer her a wedding ring” – Big Fish – As a proposal I would laugh and love it, however I, as you might have finally realized, am not a serious person. A lot of Ewan McGregor quotes from Big Fish are great, too. 
21. “Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point in time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you’re the only one for me.”  -Runaway Bride – This line is great, however if speaking that openly and honestly is the right thing to do, use your own words, not some wise movie script writer’s! 
22. “You make me wanna be a better man.” - As Good As it Gets - Despite the fact the actor gives me the creeps, this is pretty good. Every woman wants to feel like she is doing something productive in the world and helping lives, however this is one of those lines that is only acceptable if it is immediately followed by a proposal. Or something that will distract me from the fact that you just said something so soul-opening that I can’t come up with a response. As an opening introduction, I will question your sanity. “Hi, I’m Bob. I saw you over there and you make me wanna be a better man.” No thanks Bob.
23. “But if I don’t show it lately, It’s just ’cause I’m a little bit crazy, Don’t think my days of lovin’ you are through, ‘Cause I still do” – I Still Do by Reckless Kelly- I’ve always wanted someone to say this to me, secretly. But it’d have to be the right guy in the right way after I asked just the right question, otherwise you’d risk border-line to extreme cheese. 
24. “Like the Dead Sea, You told me I was like the Dead Sea, You’ll never sink when you are with me, Oh Lord, like the Dead Sea” – The Dead Sea by The Lumineers –  I LOVE the poetry in this. But I wouldn’t recommend walking up to someone and calling them your Dead Sea. I doubt it’d go over well…
25. “I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight, You don’t need to change a thing about you babe, I’m telling you, From where I sit you’re one of a kind, Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry, But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind” – The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Outta His Mind by Griffin House – I love this song. Pretty much any time a guy expresses disinterest I listen to this and pretend he’s singing it to me. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t turn 21 shades of red and try to hide if a guy said this to me.
26. And finally: Pretty much everything Cory said to Topanga on Boy Meets World from out childhood.

I know that I’ve missed thousands of adorable ones. But my point is this: Next time you are waiting for a real man to sweep you off your feet with something coy and sweet, remember he doesn’t have a team of writing wracking their brains to give him a hand, and if he did you would be disappointed by what they came up with because they weren’t from *him*. Let fiction stay in fiction, and avoid the cheese for daily use.

Palm Reading

Some people are into horoscopes, but I find palm reading a very entertaining thing. I do not believe that it is accurate, but just like horoscopes, it has it’s moments of accuracy that makes you wonder if there isn’t a little truth or chance behind it all.

So here’s a study of my palms for your entertainment!

First, let’s start with the basics.

There are a couple different theories about all of this, different cultures have different traditional meanings/ways to read the palm. I’m giving you what I’ve picked up and interpreted through sporadic research in my youth/recently. (But mostly what I researched recently from wikiHow because I don’t want to lead you wrong! You can read more at wikiHow if you are curious)

The theory I like as to which palm to read is that it depends on gender. A woman’s right hand shows what she is born with, and the left shows what she has actually lived, and the man’s left show’s what he is born with, and the right shows what he actually has lived.

1. Is the heart line, 2. is the head line, 3. is the life line, and 4. is the fate line.

The heart line (1) supposedly represents emotional stability, cardiac health, and romantic perspectives.

The head line  (2) represents a person’s approach to communication and the process of learning, as well as their intellectual abilities.

The life line (3) it reflects physical health, general well being, and major life changes (for example, cataclysmic events, physical injuries, etc).

The fate line (4) depicts how in control the person is of their own life vs along for the ride of predetermined events. Not everyone has a fate line!

There are also 4 types of hand shapes, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. See the above link for more info on those.

Now, an analysis of my own hands! Let’s start with the shape!

My palm is very square/rectangle shaped. I have pink-toned skin. My fingers are shorter than my palm is long. These indicate that I have a fire shaped palm. People with fire palms are extroverts, sometimes egotistical, impulsive, and insensitive, generally spontaneous, enthusiastic and optimistic. They generally do things boldly and instinctively.

Now an analysis of my right palm, which if you remember, is what I was ‘born with’.

My heart line starts in between my index and middle finger, indicating I was destined to fall in love easily. A  line running parallel to my head line means I have a good handle on my emotions, which I find entertainingly contradictory, good handle on my emotions, but I fall in love easily! (I’m not sure you can see this in the picture) but I have a bunch of small lines directly below my middle finger that intersect with my heart line, which should indicate a destiny for emotional trauma. A lot of small circles (also probably not showing up on the picture) means that I was born with a destiny for bouts of depression.

My head line is somewhere in between curved and straight, meaning I was born slightly creative and slightly realistic when it comes to thinking patterns. It is deep and long saying I was born with an ability for clear and focused thinking. There are a couple of crosses in the head line indicating I was destined to make several momentous decisions. There is one ‘donut’ or loop in the head line saying yet again that I was destined for an emotional crisis. It’s separation from the life line says that I was born with an enthusiasm for life and adventure.

My right hand life line is curvy and indicates I was born with plenty of energy. It’s long and deep so I was born with ample vitality. The semi-circle shape suggests strength and enthusiasm. The extra lines that run parallel in between my life line and my thumb says that I was born with extra vitality.

Now my fate line is the lightest and most shallow of the four. The lack of being deep suggests I was not born to be controlled by fate. It breaks and changes directions, suggesting I was born with a fate of being prone to external forces changing my life.

On to the left palm! “What I have lived”

My heart line starts in under my index finger, indicating I am content with my love life. My left heart line is more straight than my right suggesting I have a better handle on my emotions than I was born with. There are more circles and intersecting lines on my left than right, suggesting I have lived more sadness and emotional trauma than I was born to encounter.

My left head line is almost identical to my right, suggesting I am living the way I was born to, however there are more crossed lines and circles than on my right, suggesting once again that I encounter emotional trauma and sadness that I was not born destined to encounter.

My left hand life line is mostly identical to the right. It get much lighter at one end and has a bit of a break up towards my index finger, this could indicate a sudden change in lifestyle and then a proneness to being controlled by others.

The fate line on my left is not really there at all. This suggests that I have completely abandoned my ability to be controlled by fate.

Now you know what a palm reader might possibly derive from my own hand. Do I believe this? Not to a T, but it makes some uncannily accurate suggestions.

I bet you are looking at your own palm now!

Time to Let Another Go

Wave bye-bye to the current ‘boy’. He has officially friend-zoned me. But whatever, it’s not like this has happened to me before. Hooray for a new friend! (But I thought only girls friendzoned men)

What did I learn from this one? Nothing profound. I like guys who are kinda mean to me, but in a teasing fashion. I like guys in boots, but I already knew that. I apparently need to stop liking my friends. Already knew that one too.

Idk, mostly I walked away from this one wondering what the hell is wrong with me. The number of guys who have said to me “I’m not what you want or need” is ridiculous. Does that mean there is something ridiculously wrong with me that I don’t “want” or “need” what I keep picking out for myself? Or is that just the nice way of saying “I’m just not that into you, but you are funny and pretty much one of the guys so I want to be friends.”

Maybe it means they think I’m too good for them?

HAHA! But really, I guess it just means it’s time to direct my focus back on school and try to avoid crushing on another one until I know where life will end up sending me to live. Maybe I need to just wait until I move.

Or I can turn my online dating profiles back on and see what “treasures” this tiny town has for me. That could entertain me for a while.

There’s also always the option of getting into better shape. I mean, round is a shape, but not really the one men typically want…

More to ponder, but you can all join me in saying au revoir to “The Boy”

The Boy, Man #10

The Boy, or Man #10, is my most recent crush. And since he’s a crush I don’t know where the relationship will take me or what I’ll learn from it. So instead I’m going to tell you a little about him, and I’ll update you more as this goes wherever it goes.

The Boy teases me all the time. I love that he stands up to me and calls me out on the stupid things I say. He also lets me do the same to him. I’ve yet to not have fun when I’m around him, and we’ve been talking/hanging out since before Christmas. With him I feel insanely comfortable and super nervous at the same time. Comfortable in the sense that I say what goes through my head without thought, and he’s seen me in my comfy sweat pants with no make-up and my glasses on. I don’t ever worry that I’m not good enough when I’m with him. But I’m nervous in the sense that when he sits with me in the kitchen while I’m cooking, I skip ingredients. Or if we’re driving in the car together I try to make the wrong turn.

He’s slightly taller than me, probably right at 6′. He has these eyes that I can’t quite pinpoint the color of. They’re not hazel but they’re blue and another color. The blue goes all the way around, and then there’s a blue/gray/brown color that rings his iris. He has dark blonde hair and a big bushy blonde beard that tries to hide his smile. He has dark eyebrows that he brings almost together in an adorable manner when he’s focused on something. I must admit, he also has a very nice bum. The only expressions on his face that I’ve figured out are deep in thought and the obvious one: laughing. His impassiveness (or my lack of ability to decipher) adds to the mystery because I just cannot decide what he thinks of me.

I mean, obviously he likes me enough to spend time with me, but is it more, or am I destined for another friend-zoning like #2 and Mr. Smiles?

 

Mr. Smiles, Man #9

This will be a short one, but here’s the story of Mr. Smiles.

Mr. Smiles was my friend’s friend that I met in a time when I wanted nothing more than to just have somebody to cuddle with. I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted enough attention that I felt in contact with the world. Which is not really the best frame of mind to go man-hunting.

Anyway, Mr. Smiles and I hung out a lot in the group of friends my friend was bringing me into. He was a redhead with a huge goofy smile and bright blue eyes. He seemed always on the verge of laughing. He was taller than me and gave the best bear hugs. He listened to some of the weirder indie rock that I listen to, so we spent a great deal of time telling one another jokes and sending new music back and forth.

I was convinced he liked me, so one day at a party I confessed to him that I really liked him. He very nicely turned me down, saying that he just didn’t see me as anything more than a friend. Well drunk me made an idiot out of myself and ended up crying in a field that night.

But he didn’t judge me at all and we’re still great friends. Actually, now that the weirdness of me liking him is gone, we’re even better friends. He’s dating another of my friends (I take credit for introducing them haha) and life is grand.

Why Mr. Smiles was good for me: I learned that I really need to stop being super intoxicated around boys I like. It never aids in the relationship. Never. (And since then I might have sent some stupid drunk texts, I have yet to be excessively drunk in front of a guy that I hope to have a relationship with.) I also learned that true friends don’t judge you for being an idiot. And that I really like guys who are that full of humor and good fun. Mostly he’s good for me because he’s a good friend and I think he’s a good match for my other good friend.

Sir GropesALot, Man #8

#8 Sir GropesALot: My friend’s fiancé tried to set me up with his frat brother, Sir GropesALot. She and her fiancé sold him as this really awesome redneck (I have a softspot for rednecks). They played him up and convinced me to let them give him my number. He texted me a lot and was super flirty, almost excessively so. But at the time (if you’re noticing a trend) I was a little desperate for male attention and he made me feel better about myself. One day I decided last minute to visit my friend and her fiancé, and texted Sir GropesALot on the four hour drive to her place that I’d be in town. He knew my friend and his brother both had to work one night and offered to hang out. I told him I’d be delighted. I got down there and a few hours before they both left for work and I was scheduled to meet with him, he bailed because he forgot he had “sober duty” at a frat party. And instead of offering to entertain me, as my friend and her fiancé both said he was fully able to do during sober duty, he just bailed. So I, having learned a few things in the little dating that I’ve done, wrote him off and vowed I was done, no second chances for this kid. The only problem, of course, is that we were both in my friend’s wedding and guess who was my escort…

So at the wedding I actually met the kid for the first time. He had taken to calling me Sugar back when had been texting me, and when I met him I told him he wasn’t allowed to call me Sugar anymore. So he started calling me Salt, which just made me want to kick him in the shins, which he thought was delightful, so it continued. He also called me Barbie at one point in time, which is ridiculous because I am a tall, busty, round-ish brunette, about as far from a Barbie figure as you can get.

Anyway, when I met him I realized just how much my friend’s fiancé had played him up. He was homely, bordering on just ugly (and you must understand I don’t say this about people EVER). He was dumb, and rarely spoke, and when he did he was crass, grodey, and made me surprised God didn’t just strike him down where he stood in that church.

And then nice me took pity on him and his buddy. After the wedding my female friends and I decided to go to a bar and dance because we didn’t get to at the wedding, and instead of sneaking away we agreed to take the out of towners with us. They rented a hotel room and I agreed to DD everyone to the bar. We got the bar and the two of them immediately ordered and consumed more booze than I thought was possible in the span of time we were there. Us girls decided to dance, which ended up meaning the guys awkwardly watched from the booth while we had a grand time until they were drunk, then they ‘joined’ us. I say ‘joined’ because their idea of dancing with us what groping women who obviously did NOT want anything they were offering. After being sexually molested for a period of time, we decided to ditch them and go visit a non-molesty friend. Then we got outside and Sir GropesALot spewed his excessive alcohol all over the parking lot/wall of the bar. Us ladies decided we’d give them to the count of 15 to stop puking or we were leaving them. Sadly they made it, then they proceeded to attempt to convince us to go up to their hotel room. Which made me almost vomit. Finally we pushed them out of the car next to the hotel, told them to have a good night and good life, and left. The two of them texted us in the morning ridiculous things like “What happened last night?” and “I know you had as much fun as we did!” or, my personal favorite, “Want to do it again sometime?”

Why he was good for me: I learned to never ever ever ever ever ever ever let that friend and her fiancé set me up again. I learned that if you don’t like someone, agreeing to take them to a bar with you is poor planning. I discovered that the more I crave male attention, the worse the man gets. This is a very key and important factor. If you can go without them, you get the best one! The way to go without, I’ve learned since #8, is to be so busy you don’t have time for a guy, and to surround yourself with friends who don’t constantly make you feel inadequate for not dating a lot. I also learned that if a guy is groping you excessively and you’ve clearly said no multiple times, AND he calls you “Salt” because of it, you should just skip The Face and go straight to punching him in the nose and/or the nuts, rather than continuing to politely say “no”.

Mr. Makeout, Man Number Seven

#7 Mr. Make-Out: This guy was short lived. I actually don’t know his name. A friend and I were staying the night in a frat house after a party and the guy ended up coming down to our room and telling us “I found someone in my bed… I don’t suppose either of you want to cuddle?” We both said “sure!” Because who doesn’t love cuddling? My bed was closest to the door, so he drunkenly wiggled under the covers with me. He pulled me into a comfy spoon and I was just about to drift off to sleep when he started cracking jokes. (And they probably wouldn’t have been that funny sober) but I could hear my friend snoring in the bed next to me, so I stifled my giggles as best as I could and stayed up chatting with the kid, who was highly entertaining. Chatting turned to making out, which turned to him trying to coax me to have sex with him. Which, being on my period and still a virgin, I politely declined. But I had enough booze in my system that I was not very decisive sounding, so it took him quite a lot of kissing and coaxing before he realized I really meant it. So Mr. Make-Out cuddled for maybe two more minutes and then crawled into bed with my friend to repeat the process.

Why he was good for me: I learned that periods are heaven sent sometimes. I also learned that booze makes me willing to say yes when sobriety does not. I learned that drunk frat boys will do anything to get in your pants, and there is no way in hell one of them will get my V card, because I don’t have a problem with people who have frivolous one-night-stands, but I know I don’t want to. I just need to keep reminding my boozed self of this…