I can’t be the only female who loves romantically inclined movies, books, songs, etc. Statistically it isn’t possible because something besides my own poor college kid budget keeps funding more of these things. Not that I’m complaining.
However, one thing I’ve noticed about romantically inclined media is that it gives us women these weird ideas of what guys should be saying to us, and what we should in turn be saying to them. Especially, as previously discussed, I don’t handle compliments very well, and my idea of flirting is to seduce someone with my awkwardness. Most things sound great in a romantic comedy, but when Ryan Reynolds isn’t the one sidling up to give you the line it will either make you a) laugh in his face b) become outrageously embarrassed and want to run away and/or c) you will give him an atrocious label (skeevy, gross, nerdy, etc) and giggle about him with your friends. (I’d like to point out this is a two-way street and could totally happen to any of you ladies!)
I was originally going to make a list of romantic lines that, no matter the circumstances, in real life they would just be over the top too cheesy and make you want to laugh. But then I thought about it, and realized that for every line I found there were some real life circumstances and men who could make them work and not make you throw up in your mouth. Every scenario I created involved a lengthy amount of time knowing and dating a guy with a boisterous personality and sense of humor. So instead I made a list of lines that should not be used by the average Joe on the average day. Basically, until your love life actually reaches magically fictitious these lines should not be used because despite the fact that we’ve always WANTED some of these romantic movie scenes to actually unfold, they never work the way they should.
(The only order they are in is the order I thought of them)
- “Take hold of my hand, And I’ll do what I can, To make everything right, At least for tonight, If you’ll just take hold of my hand” – Take Hold of My Hand by Dwight Yoakam – This is the song that would make me swoon. The whole thing is great and adorable. This is the one that secretly I’d love a guy to come up and sing the whole thing to me. It sounds great in my head, but I know if a random guy did I’d probably laugh and laugh and laugh and run away.
- “I don’t need this menu, no I don’t, I already know just what I want” – Getting You Home by Chris Young- As cute as it might be if you’re in a relationship presented correctly at the correct time, this would get a drink in your face the rest of the time.
- “Oh I have got a thousand reasons, For you to come away with me, The more I look the better you seem, And I hope that in your heart you see, Cause I believe that you are all I want, Cause I believe that you and I belong” – You and I by Avalanche City – The whole song is adorable, but if a random guy said some of the early verses to me I’d bust up laughing. It would be a great hilarious proposal, though.
- “You had me at ‘Hello’” – Jerry Maguire - as heart-felt as it might be, it’s so used now that I would just chuckle and keep moving, I don’t know about the rest of you.
- “Love is too weak a word for what I feel — I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I do, don’t you think I do?” — Annie Hall – I haven’t seen this one either, but to me this is the best line because it is spontaneous and awesome and sounds like something my friends Abi will one day shout to someone, however if you are the wrong type of person you will only get laughter at best, at worst they will back away very slowly and talk about soothing drinks.
- “Margaret, will you marry me? Because I’d like to date you.” – The Proposal - This is one of those lines that will make you laugh and slightly tear up and cheer all at the same time. But if you had someone wander over and ask you this, you’d reach for the pepper spray before you’d reach for the ring.
- “It is strange to think, I haven’t seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you’re gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you.” – A Knight’s Tale - Inside Me swoons every time. Because Inside Me craves someone will send me these messages, however the rest of me has actually received poetry akin to this and it made me uncomfortable (to put it mildly…)
- “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” -Dracula – I mean, it sounds great on paper, but not in real life. Don’t believe me? Say it to your dog with a straight face, I dare you.
- “I saw remarkable things, but the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn’t let go of you.” – The Illusionist – Yup. No way I could say this to someone with a straight face, not to say that I haven’t cheesily written it in a poem that will never see the light of day, or had the thought flitter across my mind, but NEVER would it cross my lips. Kind of like “cross my lips”. Great in writing, but people look at you funny when it’s said out loud.
- “You should be kissed, every day, every hour, every minute.” – The Lucky One – I haven’t seen this movie, however the line is well known. It is adorable. Every woman wants a man who thinks this about her. But imagine some random guy wandering up to you on the street to avidly insist that he kiss you every minute of every hour of every day.
- “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” “As you wish” and “This is true love. You think this happens every day?” from The Princess Bride - If you’re aiming to make me laugh, this will do it, (as will most of them on here) however, if you’re being serious and expect a serious reply, this fictional cheese will not do it.
- “I love you. You’re my only reason to stay alive… if that’s what I am.” – One of the God-awful Twilight gross things. - And that description adequately explains the pure agony that would go through my body if someone said this to me. The worst thing I can hear is that *I* am your reason for living. I’m sorry, but I don’t care how much you love me, you love something more. Probably sunshine. Or laughter. Or life itself.
- “I’m very discreet but… I will haunt your dreams.” – 40 Year Old Virigin – This line is fantastic for a laugh, and wasn’t taken seriously in the movie, but I felt it needed to make the list.
- “Give me the keys and I’ll drive you crazy.” – Huey Lewis and the News – great song, everybody knows it, everybody wants somebody who will just drive them out of their mind, but you’d just laugh if they asked like that.
- “Will you say to them when I’m gone, ‘I loved your son for his sturdy arms, We both learned to cradle then live without’” – Each Coming Night by Iron and Wine - I am not a man, but I assume that something (maybe less poetic) has entered a guy’s mind, ‘what would she say to my parents if I died right now’? But that’s not something you can just ask, is it?
- “Without you here, honey, I’m a melody, Living in a world that can’t hear sound” – Without You Here by Eric Church – Swoon worthy, the whole song, really, but if it’s not put to lyrics and sang to a general populace it just wouldn’t have the same affect.
- “Would you love me? Always trust me? Would you love me if it won’t hurt you at all?” – Would You Love Me by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband – Fantastic question. I’ve had it in the back of my head a few times. But it lives in fiction and song lyrics, not the real world.
- “You have bewitched my body and soul. I love, I love, I love you..” –Pride and Prejudice – I will admit I’ve never actually seen this movie, however the line is fantastic if you’ve known a man for years. But, again, “You have bewitched my body and soul” is *not* a good pick-up line at a bar!
- “How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world” and “Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!” – Moulin Rouge – The whole premise of this movie is that love is important and revolutionary and worth fighting for. But you can’t pull an Ewan McGregor and fall in love within the first five minutes and expect singing her these songs to work. That’s FictionLand boys and girls.
- “Sometimes the only way to catch an uncatchable woman is to offer her a wedding ring” – Big Fish – As a proposal I would laugh and love it, however I, as you might have finally realized, am not a serious person. A lot of Ewan McGregor quotes from Big Fish are great, too.
- “Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point in time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you’re the only one for me.” -Runaway Bride – This line is great, however if speaking that openly and honestly is the right thing to do, use your own words, not some wise movie script writer’s!
- “You make me wanna be a better man.” - As Good As it Gets - Despite the fact the actor gives me the creeps, this is pretty good. Every woman wants to feel like she is doing something productive in the world and helping lives, however this is one of those lines that is only acceptable if it is immediately followed by a proposal. Or something that will distract me from the fact that you just said something so soul-opening that I can’t come up with a response. As an opening introduction, I will question your sanity. “Hi, I’m Bob. I saw you over there and you make me wanna be a better man.” No thanks Bob.
- “But if I don’t show it lately, It’s just ’cause I’m a little bit crazy, Don’t think my days of lovin’ you are through, ‘Cause I still do” – I Still Do by Reckless Kelly- I’ve always wanted someone to say this to me, secretly. But it’d have to be the right guy in the right way after I asked just the right question, otherwise you’d risk border-line to extreme cheese.
- “Like the Dead Sea, You told me I was like the Dead Sea, You’ll never sink when you are with me, Oh Lord, like the Dead Sea” – The Dead Sea by The Lumineers – I LOVE the poetry in this. But I wouldn’t recommend walking up to someone and calling them your Dead Sea. I doubt it’d go over well…
- “I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight, You don’t need to change a thing about you babe, I’m telling you, From where I sit you’re one of a kind, Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry, But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind” – The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Outta His Mind by Griffin House – I love this song. Pretty much any time a guy expresses disinterest I listen to this and pretend he’s singing it to me. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t turn 21 shades of red and try to hide if a guy said this to me.
- And finally: Pretty much everything Cory said to Topanga on Boy Meets World from out childhood.
I know that I’ve missed thousands of adorable ones. But my point is this: Next time you are waiting for a real man to sweep you off your feet with something coy and sweet, remember he doesn’t have a team of writing wracking their brains to give him a hand, and if he did you would be disappointed by what they came up with because they weren’t from *him*. Let fiction stay in fiction, and avoid the cheese for daily use.